As a kid if someone asked me what super power I dreamed of having, the answer would always be invisibility. It was the pinnacle of existence in my mind—to ﬂoat through life unseen by others. People were scary. People judged and criticized. People had expectations. And people could fail you.
I was a very anxious child. I would play out every situation in my mind at least ten steps ahead. I hid behind people who were louder than me. And if I found someone who could speak on my behalf, well, they were my new best friend. It was a coping mechanism I would continue to use throughout my childhood and teenage life.
FLASH FORWARD to post graduation. I felt completely aimless. I had no aspirations for postsecondary education, so I bounced from job to job as I tried to ﬁgure things out. About a year after I got married, my husband and I decided to move across country.
I tried to ﬁnd work, but it never came. And I began to sink into a deep depression. Who am I? What’s the point of my life? Why am I such a failure? It was at this time that God brought me to a place of stillness before Him. There was nothing for me to do, but listen to Him. I had no friends, family or community around. I was stuck at home while my husband worked and traveled. So, I obliged God. I was still. And that’s when I really began to know Him.
During these still moments with God, I started to realize the anxiety I wrestled with daily was very deeply rooted in low self-worth. Plainly put, I hated myself. I didn’t think I was worth loving. I didn’t think I was worth listening to. I didn’t think I had anything to oﬀer anyone.
As my understanding of God grew through this intentional time spent in His presence, so did my understanding of myself. Because we can only truly know ourselves when we view ourselves as He does. God quickly pointed out that my inner dialogue had been faulty for a really long time and He wanted to re-write the script.
This process started by accepting His invitation to uncover treasures within me. Treasures that He wished for me to share with others—which made my dream of super invisibility a real hindrance.
One such treasure was a passion for writing, which I had long since buried under apathy and insecurity. He challenged me to write a book. The very idea of it seemed ludicrous and I questioned my ability to achieve such a goal (every time I sat down to write), but God kept pressing the need to keep going upon my heart. Thankfully, I had no idea when I started, it’d take six years to see the project through. If I had, I probably would’ve given up day one.
But it was through this absolute dependence on Him, that I was able to stand independently of all the identifying falsehoods I had clung to all my life. He put me back together so to speak, and established my voice. He knew before I did that I had something to say.
I’m still a work in progress, (even though my book ﬁnally is not). I still have days when that cloak of invisibility sounds like a really good idea, but thankfully nothing could ever hide me away from the immeasurable love of God. Knowing this anchors me in a steadfastness that winds and waves can’t sever. That doesn’t mean the storms don’t try. Let me tell you, nothing tests the anchor better than a bad book review—ouch! But I’m just so grateful that being an author is not who I am. I am never what I do (or don’t do). I am His daughter. Seen, heard and called worthy.
About the Author:
Sabrina Falk is the author of the book Not Far from the Peach Tree. And just like your grandma, she doesn’t have Facebook and is apprehensive about new technology. She loves all things Disney (like really, it’s too much) and is an ardent admirer of Mr. Darcy.
If you would like to send Sabrina a message, email firstname.lastname@example.org and put her name in the subject line.