Dear Porn Industry,

The mistress that has ruined my marriage,


I get it. You don't care about me. I'm just one voice against the millions that promote you, support you, and fund your livelihood. I know you won’t be held accountable for what you have done to my life, my children's lives, and most importantly my husband's life. But still, there are some things I want you to know.



I have spent years being baffled and hurt that I'm losing a man I committed to love forever to a fantasy. Losing him to an industry that doesn't care about his well-being. Mortified that he continues to choose the internet and fleeting moments to a real woman and true love.



My co-workers tell me I'm too uptight, too religious - that I need to loosen up and embrace porn to make it something fun for me and my husband (if you can’t beat’em, join’em I guess). But they haven't walked my path.


-They haven’t married a man who didn’t tell them he has a porn addiction, dooming their marriage from the start.


-They haven't paid hundreds of dollars a month for pornographic satellite pay-per-view movies that are watched while they are at work.


-They haven’t had their spouse misuse “sick” days to stay home and watch online videos while they try to pay the bills.


-They haven't lived in a password protected household where they need a code just to turn on the TV.


-They haven't driven up their driveway, spying through the curtains to see if their husband is watching porn on TV and know that he's given up and fallen again.


-They haven't turned on their laptop to watch a YouTube video with their kids and had their husband’s explicit videos pop up on the screen.


So don’t tell me to loosen up.



I've watched the videos that my husband forgot to delete off the PVR. I've tried to give him what you promote. I've tried to look and act the way your industry says. But by the time you're done with him, he doesn't want me. Ever. I am rejected weekly and when I’m not, you have overstimulated and desensitized him to the point of not being able to perform. I want to please my husband but can't. You've already done that so all I'm left with is staring at the ceiling, watching the alarm clock projecting the time, counting down until he's able to finish or give up.


The nights he gives up are the worst. I have to comfort him and build him up. I have to tell him it isn't his fault and pretend that we both don't know what the problem is. We pretend it is the lack of sleep or stress, instead of acknowledging the effect you and his addiction have on our sex life. His self-esteem is ruined and so is mine. Our life together isn’t far behind.



I've read the staggering stats about porn addiction and how massive and far reaching your industry is. Because of that, and my personal experience, I don't trust men. I’ll see an upstanding member of the community and assume he has a hidden side as well – I just hope his wife isn't as affected by it as I am. I hope she doesn't hate herself for being a weak woman like I hate myself.


I try to remind myself daily that it is not the men that are living with the addiction that I hate, it is the addiction itself. We all have stuff we struggle with. I am not blameless and mess up in my own ways. It’s just that porn has more collateral damage. Porn is ruining relationships and destroying families.



And then there are my children. I live in constant fear, knowing you are preying on them, tempting them at every turn. You are the drug I don’t want to talk to them about, but know I need to. I need to have those awkward conversations with my kids about porn, so I can help protect them from dealing with the fallout throughout their lives. Because I know it won’t take much for them to become ensnared in your grasp, not realizing that their innocence is gone until it is too late – until they can't live without you and their daily fix. I don't want that for them or their future spouses. I don't want them to know I have personal experience, having lived through it for my entire marriage. I don't want them to know that their mom has become an angry shell of a woman because I’m scared their dad’s addiction will spread and be accessible to their young minds. I don’t want them to see their dad through tainted eyes - he's still their dad after all.



I know your arguments for why it isn't your fault. You are just supplying a service that is in demand. You aren't forcing my husband to cheat on me with someone that isn't even real. But the thing is, you do so much more than supply a service. You are coaching men (and boys, God forbid) to objectify and abuse women. You are fueling sexual abuse and deviancy. You are creating a demand for sex trafficking. And my husband is doing the same when he buys what you are selling.


I'm not asking you to stop, because you won't. I'm not asking you to feel sorry for me, because you won't. I just needed to acknowledge what you are doing to our men. To our husbands that want to do better. To the dads that are trapped in your cycle. And to women like me who were loving and understanding but have been so bludgeoned by the trust that has been lost, annihilated by knowing we have been looked over in favor of something fake, beaten down by the fear of our kids falling into the same cycle.


This is on you. We want our husbands back.


Sincerely, The One I Wish He'd Choose


For more information on the damaging affects of porn, visit www.fightthenewdrug.org. If you need help breaking free from a pornography addiction, visit www.conquerseries.com.