A JOURNEY OF RECOVERY
No one chooses to be broken. No one chooses to be depressed. No one chooses to be unaccepted. No one chooses to feel hurt inside daily. No one chooses to have low self-esteem. No one chooses to feel unwanted.
But one thing I did choose was to numb the pains of my life with the things of this world, and I numbed them for 26 years.
Getting high and or drunk seemed to be the only way for me to deal with the hurt and brokenness I felt. It helped me escape to a place where I felt alive. I felt accepted by my surroundings. I even felt prettier. I would keep drinking till my mind told me I was skinny enough to have a fun night. So many lies filled my head.
I became a Christian about 16 years ago. I got baptized and I felt and saw God working in my life. I stayed away from drugs for a few years, but alcohol was something that always kicked around because it was socially acceptable and "I could stop whenever I wanted."
About 12 years ago something happened in our lives that turned my already broken world upside down and put a huge toll on my marriage and our financial situation.
I was in complete constant overwhelm emotionally and mentally. The church surrounded us and I really thought everything would eventually be okay.
But my depression increased and drinking quickly became a regular routine.
My life as a broken wife and an overwhelmed mother became a really heavy burden for me to carry and I began to have suicidal thoughts that increased more and more. Due to fear of losing my children, I chose to not reach out to anyone and so I continued to live in mental turmoil daily.
About 4 years ago, I was diagnosed with stage 2 cirrhosis, an alcoholic fatty liver, and I was told that the nerve endings in my stomach lining were dying. I would suffer daily with inflammation and lots of stomach/liver/kidney pain, which was really painful when I was sober, so I drank daily to keep the pain at a low.
As I continued drinking, my eyes lost their sparkle and my skin turned yellowish green. The liver specialist sent me for a biopsy and the results showed that my approximate life span was about 3-5 years.
That day I walked out of the office with one of my closest friends and I told her "It's time to quit drinking."
I felt numb, scared and completely lost, knowing I had tried many times before to stop. The longest sober stretch I had was about 9 days, so I knew this was going to be really really hard!
That evening, fear took over and I gave in and bought a bottle. I drank harder than ever before for the next year.
My self-hate got extremely bad. My bitterness toward my husband grew. My anger turned me into someone I never want to be again.
My depression was at its darkest time ever.
I ended up losing a job I loved due to mental instability and physically the pain was getting unbearable most days.
After my last day at work, my suicidal thoughts came back full force. In my mind I was a useless mom, a bitter broken wife, an unreliable friend, and alcoholic/addict and a complete disappointment to God.
. I started physically hurting myself when I got drunk and told my husband and oldest son that I didn't deserve them or deserve to live.
Throughout this whole time, I never once stopped believing God was with me and I truly believe He never left my side. I knew He was weeping many tears for me as I continued to turn to alcohol instead of Him. But I just couldn't stop, As I continued to try to drink away my problems I was only making them worse.
Many, many times as I was beginning to pass out, a song would come to mind - the same song every time - and through my slurred speech I would sing it "Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so...."
In spite of my drinking, and my feelings that the only way I could stop drinking was to end my life, Jesus was still reminding me that He loves me.
May 8th, 2017 - GOD HEARD MY CRY! HE ANSWERED MY PRAYERS!!!
He in all His grace, power and mercy took His mighty hand and freed me from my addictions!
I HAVE NOT HAD ONE DRINK, ONE CIGARETTE, OR ANY DRUGS SINCE THAT DAY.
God has freed me from the things of this world that were controlling my life. He has restored my faith in Him and also is restoring my marriage and my relationship with my children! He has never stopped loving me and He definitely has never left my side!
Recovery is hard BUT not recovering is harder!
I do still struggle with depression and I often think about my old ways.
But I truly believe God is in control and He has ultimate purpose for these struggles in my life.
I remind myself daily that:
My God is merciful My God is mighty My God is my comfort My God is my strong tower and My God is my King!
I AM forgiven
I AM free
I AM loved
I AM a daughter of a King!
The road of recovery is a road I will always be on. And on this road there will be many people crossing my path that are struggling with addictions and have lost themselves in it. I trust and pray that my story will bring them hope when they feel there is no way out.
If you are struggling with addictions and you feel you have lost hope in freedom, if you feel you just can't.....GOD CAN! I encourage you to put your trust in Him. He has a plan for my life and for yours - ONE DAY AT A TIME.
About the Author:
Jenn is one of the most outgoing and encouraging people you will ever meet. She is an incredible baker & cake decorator and loves her Essential Oils. She is also a great person to be friends with on Facebook because of all her inspirational quotes. Jenn's openness and transparency regarding her addictions and recovery is inspiring! What the enemy intended for evil, God is going to use for good. Let's keep Jenn in our prayers!
If you would like to send Jenn a message, email firstname.lastname@example.org and put "Jenn” in the subject line.